dailysexscoop.com

Dear Sarah,

My girlfriend loves to be spanked. I do my best to redden her bottom, both bare-handed and with paddles, hairbrushes, etc.—but no matter what implements I use, she tells me I'm not spanking her hard enough and I end up feeling inadequate. I don't mind putting my girlfriend over my knee as foreplay, but seriously injuring the woman I love is not a turn-on to me. How hard is too hard? How do I tell if I'm really hurting her? Any advice you could give me in this area would be appreciated.

Dear Top,

Your question is thought-provoking in many ways. How hard is “too hard?” Well, it depends on what you’ve negotiated with your honey beforehand. Do you have an agreement that you'll spank her until her cheeks are reddened, but not bruised? Do you agree to go to the point of bruising, but not of breaking skin? Do you discuss your mutual limits before the scene instead of during it?

I don’t feel comfortable administering physical punishment until I understand exactly what my play-partner is looking for, and until I feel sure they understand my limits. For instance, I won’t leave marks casually. A submissive has to earn the right to bear my bruises or welts—they are not something I will inflict automatically. Moreover, I have to be into it—sometimes I feel like beating my sweetie's ass like it owes me money, and sometimes I don't. A hefty case of PMS usually helps.

But all jesting aside, dear Top—when we spank our partners, we must take responsibility for their physical safety and emotional well-being during the scene. If we don’t feel like doing that, or if we don’t feel able to do that, we should not agree to play with someone who is looking for heavy pain sensation. It’s not fair to the submissive, and it’s not fair to us.

You’ll note I’m not talking about the limits of my submissive as much as I’m talking about my limits. While my honey du jour has every right to ask for harder, more rigorous punishment (if I am allowing the cheeky monkey to speak, that is!), it’s ultimately up to me to decide how far I want to go during the scene. If I don’t want to hit harder, I refuse to be manipulated by a submissive greedy for strong sensation.

You said your girlfriend's request for harder hitting causes you discomfort because you're worried about her safety. Top, trust your instincts: don’t do what makes you uneasy, not even to please the person you’re in love with. If you feel uncomfortable with an activity, stop the activity. As a top—the spanker, not the spankee—you are in charge. You’re not a spanking machine, you’re a person with a sense of your own boundaries. Don’t pander to your partner at the risk of your own self-respect. BDSM is not about performing for your bottom, it’s about mutual play and exploration.

Talk to your girlfriend before you start bustin' her sweet butt. Make sure her expectations are in line with your own inclinations. If you only feel like doling out a few light smacks during a particular play session, tell her that's all she's going to get—then make her work for it. Have fun during the scene! And never, ever feel forced into any activity, whether you’re topping your lover or being topped.

Thank you for writing, dear Top. Good luck in your future play!