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I want to strangle her—and I've only been here for two hours. How can someone you love so much drive you so crazy?  No guy I've dated has managed to piss me off as much as Mom.

When I got here, I let myself into the house and found her hunched over lugging this big-ass ficus tree across her living room. Immediately I said, "Oh my gosh, Mom, let me help you."

"It's about time," she yelled over her shoulder. "I was expecting you hours ago. The party is in less than 24 hours. I haven't even started on the desserts yet. Plus, I needed plants. Didn't you say you'd take the day off?"

Actually, no, I never told her that. Before I could answer—or put my things down to help—she stopped dead in her tracks, hugging the plant in the middle of the room. "Oww!" she screamed. "My back! I've pulled it. I can't stand up." And the uncontrollable sobbing began. As did the guilt trip.

"Why do you tell me you're going to help me if you're not?" she blubbered. "You young people never keep your word anymore. I'm here doing everything by myself and you don't even care. And you don't even visit unless I have a boy for you to meet."

I moved her to the couch and ran to get her some pain killers. She swallowed them down, and continued, "When you need me, you call. But when things are going well, you ignore me."

That is total bullshit.

"I'm going to die in this apartment alone," she whimpered. "All alone."

It went on ad nauseam until she fell asleep.

The woman is a complete nut job, the loon of loons, totally and utterly mad. She is the reason lithium exists. And I'm her daughter. Oh my Gawd. Have I never had a healthy relationship with a guy because I'm as big of a head case as my mother?  Shit, I need a drink. A stiff one.

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