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Rebound sex. For many, it’s a relative fact of life. It’s the hot and sordid sex inevitably waiting for you the moment your loving relationship turns sour. Nobody likes to sit around mulling over a broken heart or rehashing the cruelty of a scornful lover. Studies show that the fastest way to get over someone is to get under someone else. You know, wash that man right out your hair with the ravenous appetite of someone just as sexy.

So what’s your favorite kind of rebound sex? Yes, there is more than one variety. Option A. This is the mildly self-destructive kind. A night of passion with someone you already know or, worse yet, with someone you already know. Though the sex was supposed to make you feel better, this can become truly awkward and send you in a deeper pit of man-troubles.

Next is Option B. Regular, old, destructive brand of rebound sex. No drama, no self-loathing, just straight-up revenge sex. You know, the kind that will somehow filter back to your ex. Just for giggles. This way he’ll feel a sting, too, and all will be fair. 

Finally, there’s Option C, the uber-destructive variety of rebound sex. The kind that feels so good because you’re not only getting your rocks off, but because you’re also about to reap the benefits of your devious, well-crafted planning. The end result will leave you not only applauding yourself, but it will topple the lives of others. For example, choose the right booty call and you can destroy a solid friendship between your ex and his roommate, whom you just plowed in their shared shower.

Grander examples can topple even more lives.  For instance, try bedding your exes’ ex. That would get deliciously messy! Or how about your exes’ mother’s fiancée? Throw in a “who’s your daddy now, bitch!?” while you’re at it. 

It might feel good for a moment. Until, that is, you realize you can’t undo what you’ve just done. Your relationship is no longer salvageable. And now that you’ve worked so hard to enact a crushing end to your relationship, you almost have to wonder, what if you had poured some of that same energy into your relationship back when it was working for you?

Next time will be different, you promise yourself. Next time.