dailysexscoop.com

Forget the common cold. I want a cure for the common queef.

The queef—also known as the vaginal fart—is the explosive sound of air escaping from the vagina during enthusiastic penetration. It happens to the best of us, usually—for maximum humiliation—when we're having a passionate first-time encounter with a long-term crush object. It's not the end of the world, but I want a cure! Shouldn't there be some sort of anti-queef aerosol spray us ladies can apply to our Theatre of Operations before intercourse? Queef-B-Gone?

Until we find a cure, your best bet—while in the throes of passion, after an audible queef—is to simply laugh and say "Oops!  'Scuse me." Then move on!

No further analysis needed! Any lover worth bedding will simply chuckle with you, then completely expunge all traces of the queef in question from memory. Only a cad will mention a queef to his partner post-coitally, and only a total asshat will discuss the queef with his friends later. Queefing, unlike flatulence, is not funny. You know why? Because it only happens to chicks, that's why.

Now losing your erection in the middle of sex, that's funny—right, guys? 

Oh, it's not? It's actually deeply embarrassing?

Well, now you know how we feel when we queef.

The good news is, the nooky doesn't have to end just because your Little Soldier is temporarily out of commission. Don't attempt to get him battle-ready again—let him rest! Use your hands and your mouth instead and nine times out of ten, your lady won't even notice your Private isn't standing at full attention. She'll just think you're mixing it up—a little penetration here, a little oral there—and you'll come off like a relaxed and generous lover. Once your weenie's hard again you can always go back to the old in-out, but believe me, most of us appreciate any opportunity to get head from you and won't complain if you spend a few minutes on lip service between thrusts.

What about the opposite problem, though: what if your soldier fires before you give the direct order? There's no way to pretend that you didn't come if you've splashed her ass or her sheets, and even if you kept it all under wraps (good boy!), it's still polite to mention an early ejaculation so she won't feel compelled to keep doing whatever it was that made you blast off a little too quickly.

Ordinarily I'm all for taking personal responsibility, but in this case, blame it all on her: "Oh, baby, you were so damn hot, you just made me cum," or "I just couldn't help myself—you looked so beautiful, I had to let go."

Recast your early-bird orgasm as a testament to her charms. And again, don't end the nooky—your weenie may have taken an early retirement but you can still use toys, your fingers, and your mouth to get your lady off. And it's always polite to sleep in the wet spot yourself, stud.

A final sexual faux pas can happen to any of us (especially after a few too many cocktails): calling out the wrong name while in the throes of passion. There's really no way to play this off, so don't let it happen to you. Simply avoid using proper names at all and address your sweetheart as Baby, Honey, or—in a pinch—To Whom It May Concern. A last resort is to only sleep with people who share the same first name.

Whatever precautionary methods you take, remember: if you're with me and you scream out someone else's name while I'm the one making you explode, expect to hear me moan your ex's name when I reach critical mass.

Or, maybe I'll just queef as loudly as I can.