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He kisses you, sensually and passionately. He undresses you deftly. He draws you into bed, into his arms, and expertly caresses your naked skin. Then, with a sexy little smile, he slides his chest down your body, nudges your legs apart and lowers his head for what is to be a lengthy and brilliant cunnilingus performance, entirely for your pleasure.

It’s at this point you stifle a yawn and think, ‘Well, I hope he won’t be down there for long.’ When on the receiving end of oral sex, women seem to fall into two camps; after ten minutes of it, some are yelping in orgasmic ecstasy; the rest are reminding themselves to add bin liners to the shopping list.

Going Down?

What’s so great about oral sex? Why do men lavish so much time on it? For most women, oral sex surely pales into boringness when compared to the genuine variety. There’s none of that skin-on-skin contact with your lover, no naughty lovespeak murmured into each other’s ears. You have to lie back like a hospital patient and watch the top of his head, making appropriate moans so he knows you appreciate his effort.

Men spend hundreds of wasted hours per annum going down and performing fancy tongue tricks they’ve learnt from the how-to-pages of adult magazines.  How do you tell a man you prefer a soupcon of oral sex to an all-you-can-eat buffet? A couple of my friends agree that it’s time we come clean; boys, while you’re burrowing in our Brazilians, we occasionally check our watches. Call it too much of a good thing. Secretly, we just want to skip the foreplay marathons and have sex.

I don’t know what men are thinking. They seem to think it’s so wonderful and women are so appreciative. It’s just very… slimy. Now if a guy would put the same amount of energy into kissing - that would really work.

Give and Take

The root of the problem might be the fact that men love to receive oral sex. A man will walk 500 miles for a blow job, so maybe they’re just trying to share what they love with women. Guys automatically assume whatever they like, other people will like. Women are different; we try to find out what other people like and do that.

Sure, there are some women who claim they can only orgasm via oral sex, but why should a minority group spoil the fun for the rest of us? Give it to us – but 5 minutes maximum, please. In the meantime girls, open wide and say Arrrgh.

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