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My husband’s 35th birthday was just a week away and I had no clue what to do. Oh, I had dinner reservations set, of course, and the kids were staying overnight with their grandmother, but I needed to find something that would really knock his socks off.

My straight girlfriends sometimes ask me for pointers on how to please their men. Because I occasionally feel like I can barely please my own man, I decided to ask around. I talked to other guys—straight and gay. So now when a girlfriend asks me this question, I’m totally prepared. In fact, I tell them to sit down and take notes. 

But first a confession: Sometimes when gay men listen to straight women talk about their relationship woes, we just want to slap some sense into them. We especially can’t understand the women that don’t really seem to get excited about sex. Sex with a man is great! Men love sex, and a straight man is going to be very responsive to a woman who shares the interest. 

Masturbation seems like a pretty simple proposition, right? Most of us have been doing it since childhood, and I, for one, believe I have it down to a science. Ninety seconds of death metal on my iPod and a Slimline vibrator does the job just fine, thank you very much. Routines are routines because they work, and when we're gettin' off all by ourselves, who cares if it's the same old thing? My Slimline certainly never complains.

Guys, stop reading here. You already know how to give a good hand job. Most of you have been giving yourselves hand jobs since you first sprouted pubes, and some of you have gone on to trade advanced techniques with special friends. That's awesome —but like chick flicks, Luna Bars, and Rabbit vibrators, this one's for the ladies.