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Music makes the people come together.
--Madonna

No offense to Queen Madge, but simultaneous orgasms are rare in my boudoir no matter how much music my partner and I listen to while we knock boots. Still, though, a wisely chosen selection of tunes can turn a ho-hum romp into a carnal frenzy faster than the Material Girl acquired her ever-so-proper British accent. 

Here are a few notes to consider when creating your soundtrack for seduction:

Avoid alienating your feminist partner with "bitches and hos" gangsta rap. Seriously—it's not "street," it's obnoxious; and furthermore, the n-word is guaranteed to dry her pooty out like a piece of beef jerky. If you're an old skool playa but your lady isn't feeling you, try spinning a classic album like "Three Feet High And Rising" by De La Soul (1989). Romance your lady the De La way! She'll love the smart, playful lyrics and you'll love the fat beats. Standout track: "Jenifa Taught Me," a sly, sweet ode to a naughty schoolgirl that'll get your booty shakin'.

Is metal more your thing? Keep your vibe Slay-tanic with "Blizzard Of Ozz" (1980), the lush Black Sabbath album that inspired an entire generation of heshers to burn out their lighters in rock arenas. Standout tracks: grope each other like teenagers to the epic ballad "Goodbye to Romance," then find your paradise by the dashboard light to the creepy and atmospheric "Mr. Crowley." Secret note:  you'll come 666 times if you play the record backwards.

If you pierced your nose with a safety pin in 1986 and your sweetie's sporting a homemade anarchy tattoo, obviously only the finest punk rock will do. Forget the current crop of emo poseurs like Dashboard Confessional and Taking Back Sunday—you want "London Calling," by the Clash (1979). It's political, it's angry, and it's surprisingly melodious, due to the mitigating influences of dub and reggae. Standout track: "The Guns Of Brixton," a slinky cut with a murderously slow backbeat that poses the question, When they kick out your front door, how you gonna come? (The answer, of course, is "hard.")

With the foolproof suggestions above, there's no reason to screw in silence: plug in your mp3 player and crank up the volume like Freedom Rock! If you live in an apartment building, your neighbors will admire both your excellent taste in music and the wall of sound you'll create to muffle your howls of ecstasy. Just remember to be a courteous in return, and when your next-door neighbor plays the same Led Zeppelin album forty-four times in a row just wink at him in the hall the next day, and ask him to burn you a copy.