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“You know that’s going to show up in my novel one day” is my standard response when a friend says or does something so funny, nasty or just plain crazy that I intend to record it for all posterity. Lately, though, I’ve been worried that I might never get around to writing my book-length memoir, so slowly but surely some of these real-life dramas have been finding their way onto the pages of this website.

This article is no exception. A few weekends ago, I invited the girlfriends over. Terry, Jenny, Diana, Lisa, Marybeth and Cathryn. You know who you are. Now, so does everyone else. Early on in the evening, I enlisted their help with this article, asking them about the types of guys they try to avoid or later wish they had. Everyone had something to contribute. We drank and laughed and drank some more.

As it turns out, I could’ve done this story with only Terry, who apparently has dated every kind of loser south of the Rockies. Rest assured, gentle reader, that as long as Terry is dating, I will have plenty to say about guys to avoid.  So here it is: our top five:  

1. The Cling-on

Over the table, he gazes deeply into your eyes and tells you about himself, his thoughts, his hopes, his dreams. He details his last break-up with great emotion, followed by descriptions of events and even television commercials that make him cry. He touches your hand, strokes your arm, squeezes your knee.

By now, you’re thinking he may be the most sensitive man you’ve ever met, maybe confidence and independence are highly over-rated, maybe tenderness is the ticket. Your only hope of saving yourself at this point is to 1. Wake up and discover it was all a dream, or 2. Pinch yourself, realize you’re not dreaming and remember that this is only a first date.

Know this: Anyone who moves that quickly is filled with insecurities. He may have a history of failed relationships, employment or addiction issues. Worse, his clinginess may be compensation for some deep-seated emotional problems that will demand constant reassurance.

When you’re in a relationship, it’s fine to share your feelings. It’s part of getting to know someone and taking the relationship to a deeper level. But if this is happening halfway through the first appetizer you’ve ever shared, don’t make a second date. This is not a healthy individual ready to forge an equal partnership.

2. Mr. Indecisive

At first, “Whatever you want to do is OK,” seems to be the response of a man who wants to make sure you’re happy with the movie, restaurant or concert.” Over time, however, you begin to realize that you have no idea what kind of movies, food or music this man likes. In short, you’ve been with someone for weeks, months, even years, but you don’t really know who he is.  

It’s all about you, which is great, for a while. But then you’re just stuck with someone who doesn’t contribute any new anything to your life. A person who can’t make the little decisions isn’t good at making the bigger ones either. And, floating along in life without any kind of a plan or even a clear idea of what he would like to happen does not bode well for this man’s success in any aspect of his life.  

Picture your future. You’re thinking about buying a house, trying to decide where your children should go to school, picking investments – all with the help of someone who isn’t helping. Over time, shouldering all the responsibility will become quite a burden. Are you willing to carry this man or would you rather travel the road with someone who’ll share the load?  

3. The Narcissist

He’s never met a mirror he doesn’t like. He’s always impeccably dressed, and while that might be why he caught your eye initially, his preening is going to get very old very quickly. And, when he turns a critical eye in your direction, look out.

I had a narcissist for a boss once. He was always calm, cool and collected. I liked him, wanted to be like him – until he gave me my first evaluation. Of a possible 50 points, I got 48. Two points were deducted because I didn’t “spend enough money” on my clothes. I was making $16,000 a year to his $40,000! At first, I thought he had no concept of the difference in our economic realities, but then I remembered, he set my salary and determined my raises. We continued to be colleagues for the next 25 years, during which time he had many short-term girlfriends. While they improved their wardrobes under his tutelage, none of them ever married him.

I also suspect that the narcissist is a closet commitaphobe. He uses his opinion of himself as the standard to which he holds his dates. He finds “Miss Really Close,” grooms her until she becomes “Miss Even Closer,” but she always fails to become “Miss Perfect.” There is no woman worthy of him. Goodness knows he’s tried. This man will die alone and lonely, except for the dozens of mirrors reflecting his one true love.

4. The Missionary

And, no, I’m not talking about the position. I’m talking about the guy who is into his “spiritual path” in such a big way that he must convert you if it’s his very last act on earth – or this incarnation as it may be. (And, by the way, I’m including in this category, all men who want to their women to eat the same diet, adhere to the same exercise regime, enjoy all the same intellectual and recreational activities.)

Don’t get me wrong. Spirituality, when it’s real and not based on a fad or a recent vacation destination, is a fine thing. But, if it’s so important that a man share his life with someone who also prays six times a day to the sun god Ri, why is he looking for a love connection outside the sect?

I believe that a good deal of the fun, for a guy like this, is listening to the sound of his own voice. He is, after all, far more interesting than you are. So, rather than ask questions about you, he tells you about the time he demonstrated his devotion by shaving his head, being tied to a cross and listening to Barry Manilow’s “Mandy” for 48 hours straight.

If he can’t stop talking about his “chosen path” and isn’t interesting in asking questions about yours, move on. The only thing you could possibly have in common is a shared interest in him, and that won’t be enough to sustain a relationship. If you can’t be yourself and be in a relationship with a man, keep you and ditch the little messiah.

5. The Addict

I wish I had a nickel for every time a friend or relative dated a guy addicted to alcohol or drugs. And, no matter how many times I see it happen, I never understand it. Why would a woman so capable in so many ways want to bash her precious noggin against that brick wall – again and again. If you are someone in this situation or you know someone in this situation, say these words as often and loudly as you can: IT WILL NEVER WORK.

You will not be the one he abandons the bottle for. He may promise you this is the last time he’ll get high, but it won’t be. And, here’s the really bad news: even if he kicks the habit, the behaviors he’s learned will last a lifetime.

He will always lie to get out of trouble. He will always be reckless with his money – and yours. He will always be unreliable. In a relationship with an addict, he will always be the one who takes, you will always be the one who gives. Is this the kind of man you think you deserve? Is this someone you want around your family, your friends, your children?

Stop being so bloody stupid and show the bum the door. And, when he comes back begging you to take him in – and he will – remember Nancy Reagan’s motto: just say no.