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In the movie, Sally’s husband Capt. Bob Hyde played by Bruce Dern is a cold, politically conservative military professional who lives for war. He fails to consider his wife’s needs in everything from the way she wears her hair to what she gets out of their lovemaking. In contrast, Luke, who hates the war, is emotional and passionate, and really knows how to pleasure a woman. In the movie, the handicapped guy is the more desirable, sexual being.

In real life, however, many people with disabilities say they feel nearly invisible. They don’t see themselves as sexual beings anymore, and don’t feel that others, particularly able-bodied others see them as sexual either—when they see them at all.

The movie had a message that many wheelchair-bound people were happy to share with others:

“I am not sexless,” wrote one WheelchairJunkie.com forum participant. “Jon Voight did a world of good with Coming Home. I was working as a telephone operator in an office full of women when the movie came out. Did I ever become popular! “Sure I got turned down and even laughed at, but that happened to me before I was hurt.”

And, he had this advice for potential able-bodied partners: “Don't be afraid to try. Caring and affection go a long way to being inclusive of us in daily life.”

One reviewer of Coming Home wrote that he wished the movie allowed Sally and Luke to go a bit farther than building a ramp into her kitchen. He wished the movie could have been a simple romance in which the two dealt with his disability on a daily basis, but focused on the more important things that made them soul mates. Just like any other romance.

Coming Home came out almost 30 years ago, and you might think that the movie and others like it would have done much to dispel the taboo topic of sex and the disabled. You’d be wrong. The interesting thing is that it’s a problem for many of the disabled themselves who fault the media for their portrayal as asexual beings, but become equally incensed when they are pictured as sexual.

Case in point: The magazine New Mobility, devoted to the lifestyles of people who use wheelchairs, was likened to Larry Flynt’s Hustler and editor Barry Corbet was accused of peddling filth when he put out an issue with a nude paraplegic woman on the cover and included articles about relationships and sex on the inside.

The irony is that Corbet and Flynt do have one thing in common. Both are paraplegic. Beyond that they play to different audiences. Corbet edits a 30,000-circulation magazine about disability lifestyle, culture and resources.

“I felt like I was reading a smut magazine and quickly threw it away,'' wrote one man, a partial quadriplegic.
“It's too bad when perversion raises its ugly head,'' a Michigan woman wrote.

An Illinois couple called it “an insult to our intelligence and morality ... a disgrace to the dignity of handicapped persons.'' At least 32 readers canceled subscriptions and four advertisers pulled contracts as a result of the “Sex, Wheels and Relationships'' issue. But Corbet says the Malibu, Calif.-based publication received equal praise. Some people were grateful for the information.

The cover in question features a nuzzling couple. Superimposed against the backdrop is a woman with her blond hair tossed back lustily, her arm cradling ample breasts. The shot is standard pinup fare, except that the woman is in a wheelchair, and her long legs have atrophied.

Inside the magazine, the fare is equally explicit. One article, written by a woman, describes the joys of sex with her disabled partner: “Ours was a relationship filled with lust, giving and receiving pleasure ... Time stood still and every part of our bodies became erotic. How positively glorious! Some of the other disabled guys I've been with have shared this style that makes sex so much more fun and adventurous.''

The magazine routinely features disabled people  water-skiing, kayaking, fishing, bowling, rock climbing, golfing or playing brutal games of wheelchair football to underscore the idea that disabled doesn't mean inactive. Corbet, who became paraplegic as the result of a helicopter crash in 1968, felt it would take “a fairly graphic portrayal in words and in pictures to get the point across'' that sex was one of those activities people with disabilities could still enjoy.

It was a noble effort to countermand the usual media portrayal of the disabled as either bitter and asexual or masters of oral sex with no needs of their own.

The reality, according to Corbet, is that the need to be sexually desirable and have one's desires fulfilled is no more or less important for the disabled than it is for the able-bodied. A disabled person has to navigate the same mental, emotional and sexual terrain. It only adds to the difficulty when others assume they are no longer interested in or capable of sex.

Heterosexuals have vaginal intercourse, but they also express their sexuality in a number of other ways – kissing, fondling, use of %sex toys%, anal sex, oral sex. Lesbian women do more than perform cunnilingus, and gay men don't just have anal sex. Likewise, disabled people have a variety of ways to express themselves sexually. Here are a few:

• A disabled person with an able-bodied partner: The able-bodied person can move the impaired person's body into various positions. The kissing, touching, cuddling or oral, anal, penile or vaginal intercourse is pretty much the same.
• Two lovers, both with mobility impairment: Depending on the severity of the impairment in each partner, kissing and touching might be easy, but intercourse might be difficult to impossible. Oral or manual sex might be arranged if the partners are able to position their bodies or have their assistants position them.
• Paralysis in either partner: Individuals with partial or total paralysis may – or may not – be able to experience a typical orgasm. At any rate, if feels good to be touched on the neck, nipples, ears, arms, or to watch someone touch you that way. Remember that there are plenty of able-bodied partners who don’t experience sexual release the way most people do. Usually, we don’t ask them ahead of time, we’re content to find out as the relationship progresses.